So I started a blog because I know people on Facebook don’t have time for all my blabbering. Also, I really love writing and this seems more appropriate. I’ll see it I follow through with it..
First episode:
Growing up - M E N T A L
Here we go.
So lately I have been feeling like a bit of a fraud. You see, I have this internal existential crisis going on. My emotions have no rhyme or reason to them, they are scattered and chaotic.
To be honest, I had a time in my life (not so long ago) that I resented everything. Hated everyone. Wanted nothing to do with cheesy quotes and uplifting video clips from hopeful yoga teachers and other social media entrepreneurs.
When everything in your world seems to be going wrong, it is hard to see the light. There are things trigger me and suddenly my mind is pulling me back into that deep, dark hole. The Depression. The erratic emotions bouncing in all directions.
Resentment of the successful and financially stable. A gag reflex at anyone who smiles too much. A general annoyance of people who complain constantly about trivial matters.
These are all emotions I have felt towards others, and interestingly enough, I have been guilty of all of those qualities at one point in my life (Success, Smiling too much, Complaining)!
Geez, what a hypocrite right??
I don’t really know how to label myself because I have never been a fan of labels. Am I bipolar? AM I DEPRESSED??? Am I just a waste of flesh?? WHAT AM I!?
When I was 9 years old, in the midst of my parents getting a divorce * not that that makes me special or that anyone should feel sorry for me, divorce is extremely common. I do think it causes confusion in children, though* , I went to my mother and told her I didn’t feel right. I told her there must be something wrong with me. I felt sad, my emotions were out of wack. I told her I needed to go to see the doctor.
I questioned the universe and the existence of mankind. I remember having intense thoughts about space and trying REALLY hard to grasp WHY HUMANS EXIST. This bubbled into a sort of anxiety within me. Something I physically felt, a strange vibration I could hear within my body. I needed help.
I had seen my mother go through fits of rage and emotional instability. She would yell and throw forks at mirrors for what seemed to be no reason. I then saw her take pills to fix the problem, problem solved right? I mean, she didn’t yell anymore so…
Therefore I thought I should be on those pills. Fix me please! Well, thankfully my doctor at the time didn’t think I needed medication, or any “help”. He saw how ‘normal’ and giggly I was and didn’t think anything was wrong, so I went on my way.
Over the years I developed into a pretty normal human. My imagination dwindled as it normally does with age, and then I grew fond of drinking beers and goofing around with my friends at the beach. Some things that didn’t change were my anxiety and lack of self confidence. Being the youngest of three girls I was always pushed into the back seat and made the lowly sue chef. My relationship with my sisters has greatly impacted the person I am today, the positive and dare I say negative attributes.
I was always fond of solitude. I wanted to be alone. I found myself in creative flows that were meditative when I was alone. People bugged me. I liked dogs and certain people, but a lot of them were just distracting. One of my favorite activities as a kid was writing stories. I had all these Lisa Frank notebooks I would write in. Completely made up stories about normal people. Realistic fiction was the most intriguing to me. The raw realities of the average household, just told from a different perspective each time. That made sense to me. I could relate to that. I couldn’t relate to Harry Potter. Harry Potter was fake, fantasy, trivial.
In a way I feel the same now. There is something that is so absurd about this reality we live in, that makes it more “fantasy” than any Twilight or Lord of the Rings novel.
One of my favorite books was “Running with Scissors” by Augusten Burroughs. The perplexing and slightly disturbing reality of this story made me feel at home. My family is fuckin’ nuts! Yeah, that makes sense. Collecting spiral human turds that point to the heavens in your backyard is way more interesting, because it is something you might actually witness your neighbor doing one day. Yeah, people ARE fuckin’ nuts.
As I went though the high school partying and college mayhem, I was fortunate enough to experience the highlights of the sex, drugs, and rock & roll lifestyle. This prepared me for the trimming and festival life of living out of my car and hiding out in the mountains for weeks on end. It was all fuckin’ awesome and I recently confessed to a friend that I would have thrived as a groupie in the 70’s.
Luckily I made it out alive. And this is where I am now. This is only a small piece of my story, but I now feel the cycle of life is coming for me. I am back to being a 9 year old, questioning our existence, asking for answers.
But this time there is far less anxiety. THANK GOD I have learned how to traverse situations with more elegance and push through the unpleasant thoughts of wanting to push my mother off a cliff.
This is what its like, living a life surrounded by tormented minds. Minds you want to open up and fix with a snip here and a snip there. Shake them like an eight ball and hope for the best.
I am subconsciously drawn to people of “mental illness.” Although I wouldn’t call it an illness, rather a state of mind. Again, I think the labeling thing is an arbitrary crutch society has used so we can talk about “them” like they aren’t in the room.
NEWS FLASH: WE ARE ALL FUCKIN’ NUTS
Look out the window. Go to the grocery store. Go to Costco. GO TO DISNEYLAND. Its absolutely terrifying.
The least we can do is help each other cope with this condition, wallow in our sorrows together.
In all seriousness though. I have loved many people with warped minds. To me, they are far more interesting and probably the closest to being “enlightened.” But they don’t last long in this dimension. I feel I am stuck somewhere in between the insane and the ignorant...what to do?
To learn to be with yourself completely, to listen to your emotions, listen to the voice in your head, without participating. This is an art. Unfortunately some people have more red wires than blue. And little can be done.
I feel that much of it has to do with mechanics, and the way you take care of that machine. Sadly, one thing I have learned is that it DOES help to have friends. It DOES help to talk about your feelings. It DOES help to step out of your comfort zone.
All the things I never wanted to do or admit were healthy, and here I am, doing them.
I guess my point in all of this is that just as Alice said, "It's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then."
We shed skin every 7 years, we grow older and develop more wrinkles every day. Things change. None of this is permanent. Tomorrow is uncertain. I’ve changed my mind about my biggest life decisions 5 times since breakfast…
FUCK IT
Be you, spread positivity, do what makes you happy. Know that you DON’T know everything. Life is really hard. Every day. People die, and then more are born. There is no forgiveness for us. We are small pieces of shattered tile in an infinite mosaic. So do what you need to do, but do it with grace, and kindness. That’s what matters.
Love, Sharky
