What does mental health look like to you? How do you check in with yourself? have you ever looked in the mirror and told yourself all the things you need to hear? That you are beautiful, loved, intelligent, brave, courageous, capable, strong, enough?
I have found myself surrounded by many people with what we call for lack of a better term "mental illness" throughout most of my life. The strange thing is I didn't realize it until somewhat recently.
One of my closest friends growing up took her own life a couple months ago. When we were in high school she nearly beat her mother to death before leaving her on the pavement in the middle of the day. As a result she was sent to jail for some time and then spent the remaining ten years of her life in and out of mental hospitals and rehabs.
Jillian was one of the most unique people on this planet. Her essence was of pure brilliance, excitement, and adventure. She was far too intelligent for this dimension, and when it came down to it she decided to leave it on her own terms. Growing up I didn't see her personality as being out of place. She was smart, fun, and everyone wanted to be around her. At that age we don't usually put the same labels on each other as we do when we get older. It is more acceptable to be outrageous and speak your mind, you're a kid, you're allowed to.
The friendship I shared with her made sense. She got me, I got her. We pillaged through life together and didn't give a F#$% what anyone thought. True freedom for a teenager drinking beers on the beach every night and smoking bong loads in your bedroom.
At a certain point, things went wrong. It wasn't all fun and games anymore. Jillian couldn't deal with society. The bullshit. The homework. The rules. The day to day things we do as human beings as we pretend that we have our shit together. Even though we are looking around waiting for someone else to fuck up so we don't look so bad.
When Jillian was in jail I went to visit her a couple times. It was really rough, and after those few visits I realized I couldn't do it. It was too much. In just a short amount of time she had completely changed. She didn't look the same, but worse of all she didn't act the same.
There is something very eery about looking into the eyes of someone who is mentally disturbed. You know she is in there somewhere, but there is this thick fog between the two of you. A veil that is suffocating that innocent, vulnerable person you once knew. A layer of lithium and other sedatives that turn her into a zombie, drain her of life. Little signs of her true spirit come out here and there, but something just isn't right.
This was one of the most intense experiences of my life, but many events leading up to this in high school were very scarring. Among them were car accidents, cops, injuries and more...Jillian had a way of keeping things exciting, and chaos seemed to follow her wherever she went.
I now compare this to my relationship with my mother. A saw a similar look in her eye that brought me back to that time with Jillian, that emptiness.
I sometimes think it is almost harder for my mother, as she isn't as far down the rabbit hole as Jillian was, but she's far enough to make functioning in society difficult enough.
Don't get me wrong, my mother and I are actually doing very well. Things are good right now, and I want to keep them that way for as long as I can. The reason I make the comparison is because it brings out similar feelings inside of me. The feeling of loving someone so much and wanting to help them so bad that you would do ANYTHING to ease their suffering. To try and understand why their mind is doing this to them. Why it seems like their own physiology is working against them rather than helping them.
What does "mental illness" mean? I googled it to see what a generic answer would be:
"Mental illness, also called mental health disorders, refers to a wide range of mental health conditions — disorders that affect your mood, thinking and behavior. Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders and addictive behaviors."
Disorders that affect your mood, thinking, and behavior? So it pretty much affects EVERYTHING. How can someone live like that? How could someone ever thrive in that state?
The frustrating part is that most people who suffer from this are usually the smartest. They are the dreamers, the doers, the friend you can spend hours with talking about aliens and conspiracy theories. All without the judgment and ridicule from those "normal" humans.
I was reading an excerpt from a yoga teacher who passed a few years ago. He was a founder of the yoga I practice regularly. Something he said was that "spirituality is a curse." Those who seek the unknown are looking for something outside of this physical world. They aren't going to accept that this is all there is.
I think this is what can be challenging for us mentally. The urge to discover the unknown. To uncover the truth. The more you know the more difficult it can be to go work, pay your bills, vote, apply for health insurance, wait in line at the DMV.
THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS!
Sometimes I think about all the magical things we could be doing if we didn't have to do the mundane paperwork. Just say fuck it all and go live on a commune. Too bad that hasn't worked out too well for anyone yet.
My reason for sharing this is that I think there is much more to mental illness than just a label, a word that separates us. They aren't just depressed, or schizophrenic, or crazy. They are people. WE are people. A tormented mind is not a broken mind. I want to comfort those who experience this pain. This anxiety. If I could hug Jillian again and tell her everything is ok. That she isn't crazy. There isn't anything wrong with her. That she is special, she is important, she is unique, the world is a better place with her in it. Although I’m not sure this would have made a difference.
I don't know what it is like to have a voice in your head telling you things. Or demons chasing you into the dark. I have experienced anxiety and depression, but for now my mind is clear enough to make it through the day. It is hard sometimes. Life is very hard. It's a constant challenge. A test.
How can we better understand each other? Help each other? REALLY talk to each other in a way that cuts out the bullshit. I am trying to understand, because if we can understand each other, we can accomplish so much more, and we can be happy together.