DECEMBER 1st!!
I am treating today like it's January 1st. I used to get depressed around the new year. I would get stressed out about what I was gonna do for new years eve. I would usually then just go out and party all night and feel like shit the first day of the year.
Honestly time is an illusion anyways so who even gives a shit what day it is. But if we are going to live in society and participate in this dimension, then we might as well make something of it? I recently decided I was over being so cynical about the world. Over criticizing things just because it seemed cool. Done with overthinking other people's judgments. Now I get really excited about life. Those days where you walk around and everything is so beautiful. The colors, the sounds, the trees swaying in the wind. Children laughing, people smiling. I enjoy seeing other people succeed more now than I ever have before. I think part of this has come from finding more confidence in myself. Feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Finding my voice. Going with the flow.
The only way I could go back to feeling depressed and anxiety ridden is if I am heavily medicated and partying. I only realized a couple years after clearing my head that part of the reason I was partying so much was because I was sad. I didn't want to feel what was really happening inside of me.
Don't get me wrong, I actually did have a really good time during those party years. I was carefree and made a lot of interesting friends. I have many fond memories and experienced some very unique situations that have helped me understand people better today. I think as human beings we go through different stages of our lives for different reasons. We are all meant to be hear for a specific purpose, and the things we experience are meant to test us and guide us closer to that purpose. If life was always easy and perfect than it would probably be quite boring. Without the death and destruction and failures we wouldn't learn anything new.
Woah, I just went down a dark path. Why do I always do that? I don't like to pretend that everything is sunshine and roses. I want people to understand that when I come on the internet and give "advice" it is not because I know any more than them. It's because it is what I have been through. We are all teachers in one way or another. We live life, we learn from those mistakes and accomplishments, we pass on our knowledge to others. Everyday we are faced with a new set of challenges, 24 hours to flourish or fall flat on our faces. No one has it harder or easier than anyone. We can gossip about our annoying friends who were born rich and "have no struggles", but this doesn't change the fact that they DO have struggles.
We are all connected in one way or another. Part of life's challenge is finding a way to get along with each other. To work well with each other. For me it's to get along with my family and make myself have friends so I'm not that weirdo who just draws weird pictures in her room without leaving the house.
Every day we are presented with a chance to turn things around. To start over. To achieve all of our hopes and dreams. I am appreciating life more and more. I am seeing beauty in the things I never did before. When there were times that I wanted to end my own life I would always go back to what it was that did bring me joy. The things I love.
I love music and art, I used to find a song I loved and listen to it on repeat and draw for hours. I got so much joy out of this simple activity. A meditation. A trance. I physically felt the joy running through my veins.
I love animals. My sister used to squeeze one of our dogs so tight that he would squeal. I sometimes look at my dog and I can literally feel my heart get warmer. If I ever have children I would imagine this is what it would feel like. The empathy I have for dogs is something really powerful. That overwhelming feeling of sadness you have when you are watching a movie and the dogs dies...
I love traveling. Connecting with people even when I don't speak their language. I think this is because I pay more attention to the essence of people than the words that are coming out of their mouth. Does that make sense? Sometimes just being in the presence of a certain person makes me feel like I can feel them. Energetically I mean. Like when you have a crush on someone and it doesn't matter if you don't say a word to each other all day, but just sit there and hold each other. I am not sure what this really is. I haven't figured that out yet.
I love finding common interests with people. When you can connect with someone through something totally unexpected. This is something I recently found an interest in. Sharing my story and experiences with people on the internet has opened up a whole can of worms for me. We are all more connected than we think. Even in those moments when you think you are the only one who has gone through this, there is always someone who has a similar story.
So, going into 2020, I want to continue on my journey to loving life. Really enjoying the simplicity that can be found in it. A simple day of yoga, some time with my dog, and maybe a swim in the ocean. Sometimes that's all I need. We try to overcomplicate things so much of the time. Find what you are here for, and stay true to that. Everything else will fall into place.